Portland Sea Dogs Throw Hardest Helmet Ever, But We Still Have Questions

Minor league baseball caps are awesome.

There should be no doubt about it. MiLB has been full of incredible hats over the years, like this hat for the Rocket City Trash Pandas, or this hat for the Montgomery Biscuits.

However, the Portland Sea Dogs just raised the bar.

Portland, the Double-A affiliate of the Boston Red Sox, will change its name to the “Maine Lobster Bakes” for a single game this season, scheduled for Aug. 23.

And the hat they wear for that game is ABSOLUTELY DIFFICULT:

Honestly, this hat has no excuse for trying so hard. Look at the lobster there, with that menacing look that tells anyone who dares to approach that he is in for a fight for his life. What is he holding? We don’t know, more on that later, but that lobster looks like we’re going to be beaten to death with a club.

“Lobster is undoubtedly Maine’s most iconic food product…when you think of lobster, you think of Maine. We wanted to create a themed evening that honors Maine’s most famous delicacy and the Mainers who have dedicated their lives to this industry that is vital to our economy,” said Portland GM and President Geoff Lacuessa.

We still have some questions.

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Poor little lobster
By Jared Mueller

I originally sent this hat into the loving arms of our Slack channel to share my concern for this poor little lobster. The message literally said, “Poor little lobster in the pan.” Mark came out waving the hat about how awesome it was, but this little face tells me it’s about to be cooked:

Who puts their mascot, no matter how cool the hat itself, in a frying pan with other ingredients while it prepares to become a meal? As an Ohio State Buckeye fan, I would put a Wolverine in a frying pan because we will cook and eat our rivals.

Also, is that an axe in his hand? A tramp’s stick? Maybe a toothpick with a prong on the end for crunching food after cooking?

What a nice hat, poor little lobster!

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I have a lot of questions about this chef
By James Dator

This is a beautiful hat. It’s a little lobster willing to fight anyone who tries to vaporize it to perfection. It’s hideous. It’s adorable. I understand the appeal.

My problem is with anyone who is trying to make this lobster. It is clear that they have put all their ingredients in a sauteuse, or sauté pan as we say in the US. This high-sided pan is designed to braise and roast foods in a multi-functional unit that allows for direct heat browning of ingredients, before using the indirect heat of an oven to finish for a long time.

The pan doesn’t even reach the claw of the lobster. What are we trying to do here? There is absolutely no way this lobster could be cooked properly under these conditions. Even if I added liquid, it would be a drastically uneven application of heat in a way that would not allow the lobster to boil or steam effectively.

This is a copper core skillet, so obviously the chef has some money to spend on quality cookware. This appears to be a 7-quart All-Clad three-ply copper core skillet, which retails for $250. You know what’s infinitely cheaper? A STOCK POT! Heck, you can even be boujee with it and buy a totally useless All-Clad stock pot and it’ll still only cost $129.

I am irrationally angry at the total disrespect for quality ingredients that would lead anyone to inhumanely put a Maine lobster in a sauteuse to fry part of its body unevenly over a fire. Either boil a bunch of water and throw it in, or learn to quickly remove it with a knife.

This chef is a monster.

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I’ve never bought a hat so quickly
By Mark Schofield

Honestly, that says it all.

Thanks to the beauty of the Internet, I got my Lobster Bake hat in just a few clicks.

Sure, this is probably a hat designed for me after all. I’m a Red Sox fan, grew up in New England, and spent many summers vacationing in Maine, and attended many a lobster boil.

But this is a sinking lobster.

What does it have in its claw? We don’t know. Is it a pickaxe? A stick with its belongings tied to the end? What possessions does a lobster actually have? Is there something in this lobster’s past that it doesn’t want to share with us? That stick has led to many questions in the SB Nation Slack channel.

But one thing cannot be doubted: how durable this hat is.

And I’ve never bought a hat so quickly.